01 - Life is Beautiful

Week of May 23, 2005

Life is Beautiful. So is Old Age

Flowers don’t stop growing because we are old. Trees still house birds that sing in the springtime. Falling drops of rain make a soft sound against a window. A new grandchild may be put in our arms. Life continues, even our lives, and that is part of the beauty of aging.

I am definitely aged. At 86 years old, with a terminally ill diagnosis, that could be a sad statement. For me it is not. It is a statement of fact. I refuse sadness and recognize that, though my death may be eminent, I will enjoy the life I have to live.

I recognize that who you really are is the person inside you. We all have a self-image. Many ignore that image and only accept what the mirror shows them. I, for one, refuse to accept that the mirror image is all I have left. Inside me is a young lady who enjoys a greeting card from someone she has not heard from for a long time. She kisses the card and hugs it close, instead of putting it on a stack of others as the old lady would do. She also answers the phone in her young lady voice and chuckles when the calling party says how wonderful she sounds. Instead the old lady wonders if they don’t know that she’s dying? The old lady and the young lady support each other, but the young lady has control. That is where the image of who I am presents itself. My voice is young and I will put on make-up and dress well. When I am complimented about how well I look, the young lady says, “That’s my intention” in the old lady voice, and I am pleased.

I love the wisdom that I’ve gathered over the years. Most importantly, I love my brain. I remember many years ago when I visited my very Alzheimer’s afflicted aunt. I was distressed at the nothingness that remained. As I left her home, I looked up at the sky and said, “Dear God, when I am very old, do anything you want to do with my body, but please leave my brain alone.” I have been given exactly what I asked for and my brain still works and allows many new thoughts and ideas to enter my world. And my wisdom tells me, “That is what makes your world so interesting.”

That, and my children and grandchildren. Do I see them a lot? Do they live close by? Does that bother me? No. Do I want to live with any of my loved ones? Absolutely not. My children are not responsible for me, nor do I want them to be. I continue to live alone and enjoy the frequent phone calls I receive from them. My son calls daily to make sure I’m all right. My daughter and daughter-in-law do the same. The many calls I receive from precious grandchildren continue to brighten my life. They care, and I am blessed by their caring. That is enough.

I believe that giving your self-responsibility to another, is giving up your independence and frequently your way of life. That may mean leaving your home, your friends, the life-style that you have lived with for a very long time. It is often the case when you move to be close to, or with, your children. So when I speak of children taking too much responsibility for their elderly parents it is because I have seen so many errors. Children who have convinced their parent to move into their environment have frequently been in error. Their usual intention is to make life better for their mother or father by bringing them closer and involving the parent in their activities. A sweet intention but the truth is that most young families really don’t have the time for the elderly parent In spite of the best intentions, they do have a life of their own. Normally the younger couple must work, drive their children to school or to soccer matches or dance lessons or go to their performance or help with home-work or many, many other or’s. The parents are then left in unfamiliar surroundings with no familiar friends. It often proves to be an unhappy situation for both parent and child. It is another case for remaining independent for as long as you can.

I know the old adage “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” and I often wonder what is so wrong with good intentions. Someone, with intentions on your behalf, cared about you or was concerned about you. Though it may have proven to be wrong, the original thought surely reflected the caring. There are times that it just didn’t turn out right. It is probably more painful to the giver of the intention, than for you. If you both can return to the original concept, you will soon discover its value, and in most cases it was meant to help. A kind effort gone wrong, but nevertheless kind. When we relate to that kindness another challenge has been met. The challenge of when to forgive.

Life does not stop presenting challenges because we’ve become old. But aging has given us wisdom and that’s a special gift. The things that bothered me when I was young no longer have any significance. I am more aware of what is pleasant in my life. Like delighting in everyone who enters my world. Not because I am lonely. But because my unseen arms reach out and gather them close, silently saying “You are my friend and loved one. I’m so glad you’re here.” Wisdom lets me know that I am never lonely, but always ready for a new friend or adventure. If you remain open, it will happen. Days become adventures, adventures bring friends, and life interestingly unfolds.

So now I see each new rosebud, listen to a birds song, enjoy the cooling off of a sudden shower and continue to know that life is beautiful….so is old age.