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Thank you for visiting and welcome. I am a terminally-ill, 90-year-old mother, grandmother, and published author. I created this page at the behest of my friends and acquaintances. The purpose of this page is to share with you the many thoughts that have occurred to me during their frequent visits to my home. I've entitled my thoughts, "Vailia's Reflections". They're listed in reverse chronological order. I hope you find them to be of value. My book concerning Alzheimer's disease, Marshall's Journey, has been my most rewarding achievement to date. It practically wrote itself and demanded to be heard. As my understanding of Alzheimer's grew, I knew that I had discovered skills that would help victims and caregivers through the painful devastation of the illness. I have also been proactive in negotiating the terms of my own death. My views have been the subject of several local television newscasts. In addition, I've been quoted in articles that appeared in recent editions of the Wall Street Journal and San Diego Magazine. Please enjoy your stay.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

17 - A Daughter

A Daughter…Yes….Please Give to Me


I kept repeating that prayer as I walked with my precious son in his stroller. My beautiful, brilliant baby boy was just two years old. He was the joy of the family and me. But now a new joy appeared. I was pregnant again. In seven months my baby would be born and I wanted a daughter desperately . . . a tiny female to adore and dress in pretty girly things.

She arrived just as I hoped she would . . . the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. Only 17 inches long weighing 6 lb. 14 oz, she was chubby with fat wrinkles around her little wrists and ankles. Her curly dark hair had to be cut in bangs to keep it out of her eyes. “Peaches and cream” was a poor metaphor for my little Robin’s complexion. In fact, she was so beautiful that the nurses tied a red bow on my bed so visitors could find the mother of that beautiful baby. I swear I crowed in delight.

She grew . . . still lovely . . . still not recognizing it . . . but playing make-believe with all the friends that she made so easily. So the time came for her 7th Birthday Party and though I felt she needed it, I also knew that we must invite her friend Barbara. Barbara was a wild, uncontrollable child. Still, a party it would be. I would figure out how to deal with Barbara, and I did. Formal invitations were sent reading:

You are cordially invited to attend
A Dinner Birthday Party in honor of
Robin Dennis’ Seventh Birthday
To be held on November 20, 1954
At 1863 Sunset Boulevard
Mission Hills, California
From seven until nine-thirty

Formal attire is requested
Baby sitting is available


Her friends arrived in their mothers’ shoes wearing gloves and hats. Several of them wore fur stoles. Jewelry glowed from their earlobes to their necks and wrists. The 18 little girls were ever so polite as I offered them seven-up champagne in my beautiful glasses. They puffed sophistically on their candy cigarettes. Dinner was served on the best linens and lovely napkins were placed on their laps. They received creamed tuna served in ramekins along with whipped potatoes and flower-like vegetables. Of course the cake was the crowning glory . . . a large domed cake with a dolls head and arms placed on top. The body was covered with lace-like frosting. Their departure was equally polite. They picked up their babies from the play pen I had provided, thanked Robin for their invitations stating they had a wonderful time, and Robin politely thanked them for coming. Her party was a success and a special time that she has never forgotten. Neither have I. And needless to say, Barbara was a perfect guest.

Robin’s other special birthday was her 18th. Now a young woman but still my precious child, this time a poem had to be written. I couldn’t tell her in words all that was in my heart. There was no way to cover those blessed years . . . the good, the traumatic, the wonderful, the difficult. It needed to be written and left with her forever.

Written for Robin’s 18th Birthday


A daughter...yes...please give to me a curly-headed
little girl...and let me reach far into space...of
time and life so I might know that every precious
atom of this sweet delight will ever be...a part of
me...a part of me...and yet herself...with separate
thoughts ...and separate needs...that I alone cannot
fulfill...and must not try...for in this single life
exists an ever more demanding need...to be herself.


And so she came...and so she grew...with female wiles
and dancing eyes...with every grace that one would
need...to charm the world...to tantalize.....
And I am world...as well there be so many more who
have succumbed...and we are part disciple bred...
and all- and non-believing led...by one small one.


The years crept on until today...when now a young
flower stands full blown...and all the dreams we both
have had...are now possessed by one alone...and she
is master of her soul...and she alone must meet her
fate...and I must sit and pray the thorns of wrong
decisions...willful ways...will never harm the
precious plant...that ever more than lovely grows.


Thus I look back on eighteen years...and question
each decision made...the bittersweet...the haunting
fears...the inner joys she can create. Can I place
value on these years...can I in truth ask of their
worth...When I alone am certain that I would not
alter one small part...I would not tear from memories
arms that sweet small body holding fast...I could
not part one moment with this priceless section of
my heart....For as she goes this much remains...a
precious dancing little girl...a sudden sunshine in
the dark...a joyful spirit in my world.


The few hard years will soon become...a trifle in
the overall...While thinking back some distant day
...we may remember to recall...the problems overcome
by joys...the trials soon lost in life's strange
maze...and place importance in the fact...that we
forget in many ways...how very precious she has
been...how much more so with passing days...How
wonderful my daughter is...how very dear she'll
be always...


A daughter...Yes...please give to me...I keep
repeating this sweet poem...and add a prayer...
Please...World accept...with tenderness this
woman grown.


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